Dear Matthew,

Thanks for your question! You get double points for being the youngest person to ever write to me. (This means you made Earthlings seem smarter. Good job!)

Back on my home planet, Bornokovia, we have the most beautiful houses. They aren’t like the ones on Earth - they’re invisible! So when you are inside, you can see everything around you, like it was made of glass. And from the outside, it looks like there’s nothing there. (This is good for me because that way no one can see me change into my footie pajamas!)

But for now I live in a huge spaceship that is always flying above everyone. One problem with it is that it’s hard to sleep because we go around the Earth several times a day. That means while it might be all sunny or all dark for you, it’s sunny, dark, sunny, dark, sunny, dark for us.

So I’m always tired. And Agent Spork says I get very cranky if I don’t get in my 15 naps a day. But I think she is way grumpier than I am! (Just don’t tell her I said that, okay?)

I don’t like living on a spaceship very much.. It has a great view of the moon, but it’s a little lonely sometimes. :( Normally I think people are icky, though, so I don’t really want to be their neighbors anyway. 

Do you like to fly? Maybe you can be an astronaut when you grow up, and then you can hang out with me. I think we’d have fun. Do you like video games? My favorite is “Destroy All Humans”.

Well, I hope I answered your question. You can write to me any time you like!

That is all.

Considering the flirtatious/seductive nature of your comment, and after viewing your profile picture - mrowr! - I’ve taken the liberty of signing you up for our Human Abduction Volunteers program.

And ohhh, you’ll know when we try to contact you.  Trust me…

http://setifiles.com/2010/02/05/myths-about-alien-genitalia/

So come on board!  (I’ll be the one wearing a flower petal bikini.)

Dear Anonymous-

If you truly are an “agent” then you should know that such information is strictly classified.  

And by saying that, I am in no way implying and/or acknowledging that I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Side note: We aren’t big fans of terrorists, either.  Those who have to sneak around and use scare tactics to try and will others into submission are cowards.  Cowards that are seriously lacking in creativity.  

I can assure you that, when we finally do decide to blow up your planet, we’ll have the common courtesy to let you know about it ahead of time.

And I mean, honestly, what’s the point in just blowing up a few people anyway?  

I think I’ll give you a +.0000017.  

Just know that it’s because you had an interesting question, and not because I think you’re smarter than me.  

Which you’re not.

So there.

Dear aretrofuturist,

You make a grey alien blush.  An enthusiastic +.0000016 for you!  

So I checked out your bio, and… I think I love you.  <3 

Believe it or not, I am right at this very moment looking at a poster I have of Marlon Brando.  Wearing a corset and high heels.  And he’s having sex.  With Mozart.  Who’s dressed up like Obi-Wan Kenobi.  And playing a banjo.  It’s totally hot!  I’m thinking we could get David Lynch to direct us in a personal homage to the aforementioned image…

I eagerly await your response.

Anyhoo, on to your question.  I have been to Saturn, actually.  It’s quite lovely.  

And they used to have a monarchy, until their princess was kidnapped by this really evil guy.  Eventually this really hot guy and this other really hairy guy rescued her, but not before the really evil guy blew up her planet.

Oh, wait…  No, never been to Saturn.  Sorry.  But I think we could take a visit there together.  Whatcha think?  

Eh?  

Eh?

What do you mean, it’s algebraic?  Algebraic how?  What’s algebraic about it?  Let me understand this, because, ya know, maybe it’s me.  But algebraic how?  Like I confuse you?  How am I algebraic?

<><>

These are my eyes glowering.

It’s more effective in person.  You just kind of have to picture it. 

Nice profile pic! ;) Give me a call in about four years if you’re single.  +.000016